Friends . . . One of the most beloved shows on TV. Why? Because we can all relate. We all HAVE friends! And our friends come in all different shapes and sizes, ways of being, interests, levels of expression, careers, financial status, and on and on.
During the toughest times of our lives - including the times before, during, and after a divorce – we rely on our friends. We ask their opinions. We ask “what would you do” or “what did you do”? We value their perspective and advice. Yet, we have to recognize that not all friends are created equal.
Friends can give bad advice. Friends, no matter how well you may think they know and love you, don’t always have the answers that fit you and your situation. Friends want you to be happy (or at least not always want you to be a “Debbie Downer”), may not want to hurt your feelings, and can tell you want you want to hear vs what you may really need to hear! At the same time, friends do have ulterior motives – they want to keep you as their friend, they like who you are and really don’t want to see you change, and often get tired of hearing all about whatever it is you are going through even if it is only the occasional sigh.
So, how do you know if a friend is really a friend or a foe? Here are some guidelines to help you along the way to get everything you need to move through even the toughest times of your life . . .
- Do you feel better or worse after having spent time with your friend?
- Do you feel energized and empowered or drained and ready to take a nap?
- Did you do more talking or more listening?
- Do the words of encouragement or advice ring true for you or are you left with an uneasy feeling?
During my divorce, I had many friends fall away in the process. The divorce forced me into a whole new way of being. I had one friend tell me to forgive and forget for the sake of the kids – and somewhere in there was the hidden message of “So we can still hang out as 2 couples, have fun, and our kids can play together!” I had family members tell me what I should tell my kids because they “needed to know” when deep down inside of me, I knew that was not what I wanted to do. I had church members who would simply sigh and say, “Oh, I hate it when the devil wins . . . ” Yuck!
At the same time, I had friends that reminded me of my strengths and encouraged me to begin to build on those. I had my coach who said, “Gloria, this is hard, but you can do hard!” I had friends in writers whose books anchored me in truth and learning about this new person I was becoming. I had my best friend of all – the still, small voice within who loved me and stood by me no matter what.
Even now, my inner circle of friends are so very special to me. They still come in all different shapes and sizes, yet there are a few things they all have in common – I love spending time with them. They speak the truth to me in love. They value and respect who I am now and who I am becoming. They support me in every way to be the most remarkable person I can be! : )
Who are your friends?