My Story: I’m 52 and this is my 3rd marriage. My husband is 65, his second marriage. My first 2 marriages were silly compared to this one – I was young young young, or pregnant, or broke… I consider myself kind of a “late bloomer” but once I “bloomed” ~ oh, gosh! At about 45, it was like a light just turned on. He is a quiet, rather introverted type, and admittedly fearful. He is not overwhelmed by fear, but what I see is a very sensitive and gentle soul – and also he subscribes to this kind of “eat what is put on my plate and don’t question it” thing. I have 2, 25 & 29, and he has 2, a 43 y/o daughter and a 38 y/o son. We will be married 10 years this December 28th. This past August, we were making plans together to celebrate our anniversary by renewing our vows, and having a reception with friends and family following the ceremony – he had contacted the Priest at the church he attends, and everything was so nice. No issues (visible) with anyone… just a couple middle-aged peeps who were really happy and managing well, no extremes anywhere. What I loved the most was that we readily talked about how much we appreciated each other, and all of life’s blessings, how we laughed a lot, and we reflected and CONNECTED about everything- even how we overcame obstacles that are just a part of normal life. I thought we had created a harmonious marriage that was safe and tight, and at the same time, we were good as individuals too. (Bliss, … to me, THAT is Bliss.)
I just keep coming back to one single fact. My husband’s daughter, the 43 y/o, lives about 7 hours away and last August, she had a lot going on. She has 6 kids – 5 are adopted and have various degrees of special needs. Just this past year, I drew a line with her after she grabbed my face and tried to laugh it off. I was absolutely amazed at the results! She has not treated me the same since and our relationship is SO much better. I feel like I really did her a favor, and myself, of course too, at the same time. Anyway, out of the cLeAr bLuE SkY… I get a phone call from another gal, husband’s niece, and she tells me that she “hates to tell me but thinks you should know” that my daughter-in-law has sent an email to 3 female family ladies (all in husband’s family, as I’m only child) asking them to join her in “reaching for their inner-bitch” to remove me from the family. I was CRUSHED! I reached out (in private messages) to 2 family ladies that I was pretty close to, and both of them told me FLAT out… “not getting involved”. I never, ever dreamed that my husband would say the same thing, basically. The very moment I told him, I knew by the look on his face, that there was no way he could love me and have this response. I have lost 40 pounds, and I feel so alone. We are teetering on the edge and I still feel abandoned. I have searched websites, I have a psychiatrist, and honestly, speaking about “doing the right thing…” I just don’t want to give up. … ann
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Coach’s Thoughts:
Dearest, Dearest, Ann,
Here’s what I most want for you right now – I want you to give up! Yep, I said it. Give up!! Now, you (and everyone else reading this) are probably wondering why I would ever say that. The reason – you are fighting an imaginary battle you have built up in your mind. There is something inside of you that feels very attacked and threatened which is causing you to truly believe there is a battle going on when there really isn’t.
Let me say this loud and clear – You win! You win not because you fought valiantly in battle, but merely because of your position in your kingdom. You are the queen. You have a husband who loves and adores you, calls the priest himself to renew his vows openly to you, honors your every wish. Own every ounce of that, feel the power in that. This honor and position is freely given to you by your king who wants you by his side to create and protect that bliss you so beautifully described.
But instead of being the queen, you have allowed a perceived enemy – who is your beloved’s daughter – to enter your kingdom, your sacred marriage. You are giving her so much power in your relationship, and you are taking on the role of the pauper who is begging the king to choose between his daughter and his queen. A choice that no man, especially not someone you love unconditionally, should ever be forced to make. He has made his choice – you, his adored wife AND his daughter, his flesh and blood.
So, what is a queen to do? First, as I said, give up the battle. The battle is only in your mind. Which is also the reason your husband and other family are “not getting involved”. They aren’t abandoning you; they love you SO much that there is no need to fight for your position in the family because it is already yours! No matter how much “inner bitch” she tries to embrace, she has absolutely no power except what you give away. Your family already knows this!
Second, trust, respect, and honor your husband, your king. Trust that HE is doing the right thing. Let go of trying to get him to “say this to her”, “get her to do this”, etc. Respect him in his God-given position as your husband and her father. And honor him by reclaiming your position as his wife, putting the focus back on him and your marriage, and begin to once again create the bliss that YOU and you alone have the power to create : )
Third, reframe the picture you have of your husband’s child. She is not the enemy who is trying to overthrow you. She is a child who, for whatever reason, is throwing a big ol’ temper tantrum. Her life isn’t quite the way she thought it would be, and she longs for what you already have – a blissful relationship with a man who loves and adores her. She is jealous of all that is yours. Reach deep and love her in spite of her words and deeds.
The battle is not with anyone else. The real battle is the one that goes on within our own minds. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, love all the genuine wonderfulness that is you, and celebrate the love that surrounds you. I wish I could be there on December 28th – You will be the queen at the grandest ball of all.
Your Humble Servant,
Gloria
