My Story: I am a 35 year old mother of four. I have been divorced for nearly 3 years now. Our relationship was full of ups and downs. I always rationalized the ups and downs on the fact that he had an awful childhood. He was molested and raped repeatedly for years as a child.
I always thought my purpose in life was to give him the love he never had as a child.
We always said we’d never divorce. We’d always work on our marriage because we wanted to give the kids the best life with both parents at home. Read More
“My husband and I have been married for 8 years but have been living separately for the last 5 years. We come from traditional
Indian family and had had an arranged marriage. He was in CA and I moved there after our wedding. Things were good in the beginning. I got my masters and joined a high tech company. We were financially in a better position. My husband lost his job and for years now has been travelling around the country accepting different positions. To make matters worse he called his mother to
“help me” with my son. I am really angry with him since he doesn’t realize that staying away from home affects both my son and me. I am also very angry at him at the way he supports his mother but not me. Over the last year (since his mother came) we have been fighting all the time. It’s like somebody lifted these blinds off my eyes and I can finally see what he is. Before that I was totally in love with him and supported him in all his decisions. I am contemplating divorce because I don’t think this is what marriage is. Please help!”
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I’d like to take just a minute to acknowledge just how strong and brilliant you are! You’re courageous, independent, resourceful, smart, and a full time worker and Mom. This is who I see in just these few words that you’ve shared with me . . .
What shouts out to me in your note is not that you are no longer in love with you husband, but that you really hate the situation. Your Mom-In-Law isn’t your husband, and really isn’t the “help” that you were looking for. You’d love for your husband to come home, take the lead again, and continue on this journey together. It’s the fighting over the situation though that is blinding you with anger, disappointment, and worry for how this is going to affect your son.
Just recently, I heard something that I thought were some pretty powerful words of wisdom . . . “Be careful of seeking out a permanent solution for a temporary problem.” Divorce is permanent; your Mother-in-Law is not. Your husband is working, and trying to provide for you; it’s just in a very tough economic climate.
What would it be like for you to address the REAL issues? First, appreciate and love your Mother-in-Law for all the help that she has given you, and buy her a plane ticket to go home. Second, get to the truth on how your husband really feels about being so far away from his family. I doubt this is easy for him either! Third, create a financial plan between you and your husband that is manageable and you can both live in the same place, maybe on just your salary for a little while. It’s time to set the stuff and ego aside for awhile.
Marriage is a lot of things – romance, love, support, encouragement, teamwork, and sometimes – just downright hard work! This is what the work part looks like. Use all that you are to explore every option first for yourself, your husband, and your son.
“Oh, these times are hard and they’re making us crazy. Don’t give up on us, Baby!”
. . . Much Love, Gloria
